Building Better Relationships With 18-30 Year Olds
By Nick Phillis, Mentor & Truster Advisor
I was recently asked to give some marriage advice. Given my speciality is working with 18–30 year olds:
I asked, why me?
They said they had heard that the work I do with young people improves their self knowledge, which in turn (amongst other things) has a positive impact on their relationships within the family.
I guess this applies regardless of age. The marriage advice I offered, therefore, was, “never assume that the first thing your partner says is what they really mean or is all they want to say. Always give them an opportunity to say more.”
Three months later, we bumped into each other. A few sentences into our conversation, they told me they had taken my advice onboard and they felt their relationship was stronger and deeper – importantly for them, there had been no misunderstandings and more laughter.
In my work with young people, whatever the reason for the engagement, a key part of it is ensuring that they truly know and understand themselves and can then express any and all of their thoughts to those close to them.
This generally, has a huge impact. They are buoyed by the deeper knowledge; excited by what they discover; empowered to act on it; and cherish the fact that those close to them have the chance to understand them more fully and more clearly. Relationships are better as a result. They are keen for our next conversation.
How does this happen? I spend a lot of time listening and give space to allow thinking to develop. Never cut off a train of thought – thinking is really powerful. The more we think the more we can think – and science agrees. In the act of thinking, the brain releases powerful neurotransmitters that encourage deeper and wider thinking. As we do that, we know more about ourselves and understand ourselves more fully, creating a positive impact on our psyche and self-worth, building confidence.
While there is no ‘right answer’ for building better relationships with 18-30 year olds, there are a few things to be avoided:
Don’t respond to the first thing someone says. Let them develop the thought – often, the detail comes later.
Don’t interrupt someone when they are speaking. Not only is it annoying and frustrating, but because you haven’t heard all the story you cannot be sure that the response you give will hit the spot, indeed, it might miss the point totally. Consequently, your answer doesn’t match what they are really thinking. This is annoying and frustrating – they may think you’re not really interested.
To build better relationships – you listen, they think. They complete their thoughts, developing their ideas as fully as they can. Their thinking is as good as it can be. You respond appropriately.
Never assume that the first thing someone says is what they really mean or is all they want to say. Always, give them an opportunity to say more. Then you get to have your say…
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